


outside, always knocking

by koganewest



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, Keith (Voltron) Angst, M/M, Pining, Pining James (Voltron), Pining Keith (Voltron), Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-24 16:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16643672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koganewest/pseuds/koganewest
Summary: “You too, huh?” The question is small and pathetic, especially in juxtaposition with the redness on Keith’s cheeks and the slump to his shoulders. And if James’s heart was unscathed before, it was surely broken now. “You’re done with me too?”





	outside, always knocking

With Keith in his arms, James thinks he’s died and gone to heaven. 

He doesn’t know how it happened, in all honesty. One moment they were arguing about their partnered sim drill, and the next Keith has him pressed against the wall. He truly doesn’t even comprehend anything when they stumble into Keith’s room, or when he starts marking up his neck, or when their touches begin to linger, or even when pulls him toward the bed. 

In the blissful aftermath, Keith has calmed considerably. His breathing is slow, warm, and even on James’s neck, and his arms are draped loosely around James’s bare stomach. James clutches to Keith a little bit more urgently. It’s only slightly pathetic that James can’t calm his rapid heartbeat. He wants to breathe Keith in until the day he stops breathing altogether.

 _Yeah,_ James thinks, _this must be what heaven is like._

A moment passes in which James deliberates his best course of action. In the end, he decides on bringing his hand up to cup Keith’s face, making him look James in the eye. Keith blinks slowly in response. James watches him close his eyes and scrunch his brows, mouth in a stiff line. And the concentration on his face is sickeningly familiar, even with his eyes screwed tightly shut. James is used to seeing it, used to seeing Keith wish that James were someone else. But being used to it doesn’t make it sting any less.

Still, Keith’s closed eyes are better than seeing the look he gave Shiro in the days before the Kerberos launch. Pure, unadulterated longing. It’s no different than the lovesick eyes with which he looks at Keith. And even though James is hurting so bad, it’s comforting to know that Keith is too. Neither of them are getting what they want. 

They’re both a little fucked. But at least they have this.

* * *

Months later, James hears the news of the Kerberos failure through murmurs in the classroom, chatter among his peers. 

Unfortunately, so does Keith. 

There’s a frenzy of panic in his dark eyes as he slams his fist on the desk, demanding more information from the gossiping teens. He accuses them of lying, screams until he’s red in the face, then storms out of the room. James isn’t surprised when he doesn’t show to classes for the rest of the day. 

Truthfully, James is shocked that the Garrison officials hadn’t informed Keith separately, before the media got ahold of the news. Everyone at the base knew how important Shiro was to Keith, knew how much Keith had depended on Shiro for pretty much everything, knew how Keith had no one else to be there for him but Shiro. James truly thought that it was a bit cruel that they hadn’t told him, instead leaving him to find out on his own. It seemed like they hadn’t even considered Keith at all. How could they not consider Keith at all?

And later that night, when there’s a hurried knock at his door, James should be shocked again. He isn’t. 

Against his better judgement, he opens the door, and in rushes Keith. A hurricane is the best way to describe the way he bursts through the door and attaches himself to James, quick and desperate and longing. For a moment of weakness he lets Keith do as he pleases, and then he’s pushing him away for the sake of both of them. “Keith,” he begins, tone cautionary and warning, “I know you’re upset but -”

Keith makes another attempt to shut him up, connecting their lips with ease that comes from months of practice, from months of this detrimental arrangement. But James won’t give in and let Keith hurt himself more than he already has. “No,” he protests strongly, but the way he nudges Keith away is painstakingly gentle. “This isn’t a healthy way to cope, and you know it. I think you should leave.”

But, once again, Keith has never been one to follow orders, and that much is obvious as he ignores what James had said in favor of sucking marks into his collarbone. This time, James gets angry. 

“Get. Off.” He shoves Keith away, slamming him into the wall. The sickening thud of Keith’s head against the sheetrock resonates in the small room, the only sound in a sea of silence. And then Keith moves, drops his gaze to the floor in resignation. It’s so out of character from Keith’s usual fiery demeanor that James doesn’t know how to react. 

“You too, huh?” The question is small and pathetic, especially in juxtaposition with the redness on Keith’s cheeks and the slump to his shoulders. “You’re done with me too?”

If James’s heart was unscathed before, it was surely broken now. 

“No, Keith, I just -” he starts, trying to choose his words with caution. Wide eyes look up at him through thick, dark hair, questioning his next move. Keith knows all too well that everything James does is calculated, premeditated. His words are no different. “I just want you to think, y’know? Stop trying to distract yourself from what you’re feeling, and just feel it for a change. You need to stop running. Maybe talk to someone.”

“You’re one to talk!” Keith spits in retaliation. “You agreed to this… this _arrangement_ despite everything. That isn’t healthy either, James!”

“No kidding! It isn’t healthy for both of us! Sleeping with me doesn’t change the way you stare at Shirogane. It makes me fucking sick, Keith. The whole _thing_ makes me fucking sick! But it’s all I’ve got,” he yells, staring Keith down, who has gone noticeably timid. James lowers his voice. “And now it’s all you’ve got, too.”

Keith blinks a few times, and James could bet money that he sees hatred in that dark gaze, but it’s gone soon, and James wishes it wasn’t. It’d be so much easier for Keith to hate him, because maybe then James would be free. But he isn’t. He never was free from Keith. 

Instead of angry words, Keith just drops his forehead on James shoulder. There’s nothing for that James can do but wrap his arms around the boy, his supposed rival, his no-strings-attached. He expects Keith to pull away the second he reciprocates the action. Instead, Keith melts into it and squeezes in return. Instead, Keith lets James hold him. 

Instead, Keith begins to cry. 

It’s so foreign to James that it’s almost similar, in some twisted way, because he’s used to being thrown into unprecedented situations. The way Keith cries into him is soft and reserved at first, then becomes more characteristic of Keith. The hot-headed cadet is known for his lack of filter, lack of self restraint; his sobs are no different. He’s loud and unabashed, clutching so tightly to James’s nightclothes that he’s certain they might rip in half like the way Keith’s heart seems to be torn. Then suddenly, Keith yanks himself away from James, so he can look him in the eyes.

Honestly, Keith looks quite horrible. His face is wet and messy with tears, his nose is red and running, his lips are chapped and swollen, and his cheeks are flushed while his face remains sickly pale. And despite all of it, James still loves his stupid fucking face. He still wants to kiss him. 

He doesn’t, though, because the next thing he knows, Keith burying his face in his chest, babbling about god knows what. James barely has the strength to listen to him. 

“It’s not fair, Jem, it’s just not fair,” he cries, voice breaking occasionally on a stutter. The nickname is a result of Keith’s current lack of censorship, something James is only used to hearing between desperate moans and labored breaths. “Why did he have to leave?! It’s not fair, it’s not fair! He didn’t have to leave!”

Unsure of how to respond, James just holds him tighter and rubs circles into his shoulder. It’s just about all he can offer. 

“I guess it’s like,” he rambles, “I’m just -” A sigh. James moves his hand into Keith’s hair. He’s noticed Keith twirling it while zoned out in class, so he figures that it may help relax him. Or distract him. Or do anything to stop Keith from talking about Shiro. 

“I’m just sick of being tossed aside and left behind.”

It’s sickening, almost, that James had been the one to taunt him for his lack of parents, for his lack of childhood. The memory churns his stomach unpleasantly, disturbed by his own actions just a few years prior. Never in a million years had he expected to be close with Kogane, let alone be his sole source of comfort. James thinks for a moment, a blink of weakness, that maybe this will change things between them. Maybe this will bring them closer. 

_I would never abandon you,_ is what he wants to tell Keith. 

“You should get some rest,” is what he actually says. 

And, apparently, it’s an invitation to Keith, because he crawls into James’s bed without another word. As he faces his back to the room, James can almost hear him concentrating on regulating his breathing, stopping his sniffling, rebuilding his walls. 

In the morning, the fortress of solitude in which Keith has resided for so long will be resealed. And as usual, James will be outside looking in, knocking. Always knocking. 

He still has tonight, though. When James settles in bed again and wraps his arms around the other boy’s waist, Keith doesn’t move. James thinks it’s a start. 

He’ll take whatever he can get from Keith.

**Author's Note:**

> hey so uhhhh im back on my jaith bs? trying to write diff ships than just klance?? but thanks for reading :) heres my [tumblr](https://koganewest.tumblr.com) if youre interested


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